Chicken Soup For The Immortal Soul
by Chibi-Kyo-Chan
Summary: Basically a bunch of drabbles about our favorite Cullen family. Read if You Dare. Warning may hurt your sides from laughing to hard ;P
1. Condoms

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way **EVER **again._

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Emmet glared at the foil wrapped package Rosalie handed to him.

"What the hell is this?"

Rose rolled her eyes "It's a condom. Duh."

Emmet looked between the condom and his girlfriend "When did we start using condoms?"

"Since I felt like it."

His eyes narrowed at the little wrapper. "Hey?! What the hell!!!"

Rosalie sighed "what now Emmet?"

"This is a small! You know damn well for a person of my size I need a magnum!"

Rosalie rolled her eyes again. "You wish."

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**A/N: Random bored thoughts do strange things to you. Like creating a shit load of drabbles for twilight. ;P I'm going to go ahead and apologize for what I'm about to do to all of our favorite characters. For realz. **

**R+R flames are welcomed ;) **

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	2. Rick Rollin' good times

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way __**EVER**__ again._

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Edward was in a panic as he grabbed his cell phone. With quick nimble fingers he dialed Alice without a second to lose. The thought of all the things that could possibly happen, sent shivers down his spine.

"Come on! Pick up, pick up! This is important!"

Edward was in a state of pure horror when he couldn't find Bella today and was hoping Alice might know where she was or with better luck his sister had his Bella.

The phone picked up and giggling could be heard, Edward sighed in relief. "Thank God! Alice Bell -"

_Never gonna give you up  
Never gonna let you down  
Never gonna run around and desert you_

Edward's face looked as if someone just ran over his pet or worse his Bella. Slowly pulling the phone away from his ear he gave it a dubious glare.

"Bitch, just rick rolled me!"

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**A/N: Lawls! Edward got rick rolled!!! So this is the start of my attempt of fixing all my mistakes. And after I go through and fix all those glaringly awful grammar and spelling mistakes. As well as all my typos...then I'll update! Yay!!!**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**


	3. Feelin' old

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Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way** EVER** again._

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Carlisle sighed for the umteenth time that night.

"What's wrong sweetie?" Esme asked

"I feel old."

"Well dear you are old."

Carlisle sighed again "Yeah, but this is like the first time I actually FELT old. All the newborns grew up Esme. They all have somebody to love. They don't need me anymore."

"Aw baby!" Esme cried as she pulled Carlisle into a tight embrace as she smothered his face in her generous bosom as a motherly gesture.

Even though Carlisle Didn't think it was motherly . . .AT ALL.

"How about we go out and buy you a pet so you can take care of it?"

"Mmph mmf." He mumbled through her ample cleavage of death.

"Good. It's settled then."

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**A/N: Aww Poor Carlisle ;P You guys should review and let me know what kind of pet you'd like him to have!**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**


	4. The wolves were here

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way** EVER** again._

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"The werewolves were here again." Edward stated with a grim face.

"How can you tell?" Bella asked looking up at him with questioning brown eyes.

"I just stepped in a big pile of wolf shit."

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**A/N: LAWLS!**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;P**

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	5. Gym

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way **EVER** again._

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Emmett glared at the school's gym teacher. "I ran my laps!"

"No You didn't!"

"Yes! I Did!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No You didn't all I did was blink and you were still there!" The gym teacher screamed.

Emmett huffed and crossed his arms over his chest. " If you didn't blink you might have saw me."

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**A/N: This was an actual conversation between my gym teacher and one of my friends. lol. **

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**

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	6. It's the place to be a kid!

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way** EVER **again._

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"I Can't believe you two dragged all of us here." Whined Jasper as Alice tugged him inside the one and only place to be a kid.

Chuck E. Cheese.

"Stop complaining Jasper! They have like . . .the best pizza ever!" Exclaimed Bella Happily

The Cullen Family gave her a dead pan stare in unison, "You're the only one that can actually eat Bella." Rosalie stated as she glared at passing toddlers on their way to the ball pit.

"OMG! ROSE!!"

Rosalie flinched "what Emmett?"

"LOOK IT"S A GIANT TALKING MOUSE!"

looking over she could see a guy in a Chuck E. Cheese suit talking to some kids.

"Yeah . . ."

"I'm Gonna say Hi!"

"Emmett no!"

"This is going to be interesting." Commented Jasper as they watched Emmett run over and literally tackle the poor guy down.

"Hey! Pal! Get off me!" the guy in the costume screamed,

"HUG ME!" Emmett yelled as he hugged the guy to death . . . literally.

"Chuckie?" a little kid whispered as he poked Chuck E. Cheese with his cake fork.

"WHAAA This guy hurt mousie!!" Cried another kid.

"Um, I See us leaving , Now." Commented Alice as the rest of the Cullen family made their way to the exit leaving Emmett with angry screaming toddlers.

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**A/N: Fuck Yeah Chuck E. Cheese!**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;p**

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	7. And so it begins

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way** EVER** again._

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Jacob and Edward stared each other down two mighty wills locking to the death.

"This is it." Edward Stated "This will decide once in for all who gets Bella."

"Let the best man win." Replied Jacob

"And that will be me."

Carlisle looked between the two feuding men "LET THE YO' MAMMA BATTLE COMMENCE!!"

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**A/N: Yo Mamma battles will happen every so often from here on out lol.**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;P**

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	8. A new addition

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way **EVER** again._

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Carlisle Walked into the living room with a big fluffy Hamster in his arms.

"Look Bella I got a pet!"

"Oh it's so cute!" she exclaimed

"What did you name it?" Inquired Alice

"Hamtaro!"

Edward quirked an eyebrow "Like after the show?"

"Yes can't little Hamsters have big adventures?" asked Carlisle "Hey . . .Where's Emmett and Rose?"

Just then the house shook

"You don't want to know." Jasper replied with a shudder.

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**A/N: Man I just keep churning these drabbles out. lol.**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;P**

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	9. Yo' Momma Pt 1

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way** EVER **again._

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Jake and Edward glared , poised for someone to strike first.

Jacob being the more headstrong of the two began "Yo mama so fat her nickname is Lardo."

Jasper grinned looking over at Emmett "It looks like Jacob started the round with yo momma fat jokes."

"Yeah Well . . . Yo mama so fat people jog around her for exercise."

There was a collective ooooh!

"Yo mama so fat when she has wants someone to shake her hand, she has to give directions!"

Edward's lip curled up into a sneer "Well . . .Yo mama so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!"

"What are you guys doing?" Bella asked as she walked into the Cullen's living room looking between the vampire and the werewolf.

"Nothing." everyone chorused in unison.

Bella merely quirked an eyebrow "uh huh." She muttered as she left to head towards the kitchen.

"Whipped." Jake muttered under his breath as Bella left the room.

Edward scowled, "Your Face."

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**A/N: lawls! Bella has no idea what thier doing ;P**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**

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	10. Ding DongWha?

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way** EVER **again._

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The Door Bell rang and Edward answered, "Hello?"

Looking down he was a weird substance on fire. "What the hell!!?!"

Quickly without even thinking he stomped the fire out in his new boots only to have a horrible smell waft into his nose.

"Wha?" Looking down Edward turned green. "JACOB!!! I WILL KILL YOU!"

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**A/N: Lawl? **

**Well I'm sleepy so I'm going to bed now. Mayhaps there will be more drabbles in the morning. lolz.**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;p**

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	11. Filling the void

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

* * *

**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way __**EVER**__ again._

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"I hate vampires." Jacob sighed as he leaned against his motorcycle trying to look as badass as possible. Vampires ruined his life, and the only way he saw to recitify it was with women...lots and lots of women.

Just then a girl who kind of looked like Bella walked by. He stared a bit before shaking his head and clearing his thoughts.

"Hey!" he screamed as he ran after her.

The girl looked over her shoulder to see who yelled at her and seeing a strange man jogging to catch up with her, She sensed the danger that he was an extreme weirdo and with out another thought she started to sprint off, silently praying she still had mace in her car.

"WAIT!!! I WANT YOU TO LOVE ME!!!!"

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**A/N:::EDIT:: lol. This was so random. does anyone remember the part in breaking dawn where Jacob goes out to basically pick up chicks to get over Bella? **

**This is kindof where this idea came from. **

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;3**


	12. WalMart

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way** EVER** again._

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"It smells Cheap in here." Rosalie sniffed looking around the store as if it was evil.

Bella rolled her eyes. "I Just need to pick up a few things and we can go."

"I Don't under stand why we have to come to this place." Edward sighed watching as a woman who looked to be in her twenty's shuffle by with her cart in fuzzy pajama bottoms and big yellow ducky slippers.

"If I had a soul this place would suck it out of me." Jasper whispered looking incredibly emo.

"LOOK IT SMILES!!" Shouted Emmett

Bella shook her head "God, guys it's only a Wal-Mart."

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**A/N: lol Wal-Mart. **

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**

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	13. Misunderstanding

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Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way **EVER **again._

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"No."

"Come on Bella . . ."

"No."

"Please . . ."

"Dammit NO!"

"Let me do it just once."

"Edward . . .I don't want to do this . . .It makes me feel dirty."

"Pleeeeaaassseee?"

"Edward! OW! That hurts!"

"Sorry!"

*Silence*

"Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"How is it now?"

"It's actually starting to feel pretty nice."

" I told you."

Emmett and Jasper looked at each other then back at Edwards closed bedroom door. Slowly they began to back away.

"OH EDWARD!"

at Bella's shout Emmett and Jasper ran a smirk on Emmett's face as he muttered "Way to go Eddie!"

"Sorry Bella."

"It's okay but you are_ SO_ not going to brush my hair anymore."

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**A/N: lawls! You thought they were being naughty didn't you?**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**

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	14. Hunger pains

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way **EVER **again._

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Emmett lazed around the house when all of a sudden his stomach growled. {_Assuming Vampire stomach's growl . . . }_

"Man I'm Hungry."

He began to rummage through the house hoping against hope that he might find an unsuspecting mouse to pray on. Because when Emmett was to lazy for his early morning agitated Grizzly he'd go for house mice.

When he got into Carlisle's room he saw a large rodent in a cage, which happened to be a hamster.

"Hmm Emmett hungry . . ."

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**A/N: Yeah . . .**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**

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	15. Vampire hamsters big adventures!

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way __**EVER**__ again_.

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Carlisle frantically searched the house. "Where did you go Hamtaro?" he called scratching his head in disbelief. He looked everywhere for his little companion and he couldn't find the damn rodent anywhere/

"What's going on dear?" Esme asked worried over her hubby.

"Hamtaro seemed to have found it's way out of it's cage . . ."

Esme sighed, as she looked around the room " I'm sorry dea- OH MY GOD!!"

"What is it!?!" Carlisle cried as he looked over to see what his wife was staring at . . .his mouth drop when he saw his little Hamtaro with blood red eyes dragging a human corpse through the door.

"What the Hell!?! EMMETT!!"

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**A/N:::EDIT:: Lawls!! Vampire Hamster on the loose!! **

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**


	16. Yo' Momma Pt 2

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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**WARNING:** _This is absolutely random in every sense of the word! It will most likely melt your brain and you will never look at our beloved twilight characters the same way __**EVER**__ again._

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"Okay guys ready for round two?" Jasper asked, looking between Jacob and Edward who were too busy staring each other down to really give any kind of answer what so ever.

"Alright then . . . GO!!"

"Yo momma so poor, the burglars break in and leave money." Snarled Edward

"Oh He went there. I wonder how Jake will respond." Emmett said in a big announcer voice.

" Yo Momma so poor, I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..." Jake sneered looking smug.

"Oh Yeah? Well YO MOMMA! So poor, only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted..."

Jacob glared, " Yo Momma so poor, I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence."

"Well Yo Momma so poor, she does drive by shootings on the school bus."

"What The hell are you two doing?" Bellas asked walking through the door.

Emmett being the dummy that he was screamed "BELLA ALERT!"

"Bella alert? What did he mean -"

Just then Edward bent over and kissed her hard on the mouth.

Jasper and Jacob both sighed in relief as they watched Bella wrap her arms around Edward

"Good Thinking."

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**A/N:::EDIT:: lol that is deff one way to distract Bella from the obvious. I wonder how long they can keep this kind of thing up ;p**

**Also does anyone else notice that I always update when it's so fucking late it's early? lol. I think that I only think about random shit when I'm tired and can't spell worth shit. I was looking back through all my drabbles and I'm like WTF? **

**Seriously lawls!**

**Anywhoo, **

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**


	17. Tease

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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Bella sighed, again

Edward merely rolled his eyes choosing to ignore her obvious displeasure.

She grumbled again as she plopped down on his bed. Edward just perched himself on the couch causing her to sigh...again.

"Bella we're not having sex you can stop pouting now." Turning scarlet she merely grunted and turned around "Mike would give me sex if I asked for it."

Edward's eye flashed dangerously "What was that?"

"you heard me. And he asked me today on the way home but I said no. Thinking of only you."

"Is that right?" he asked getting up and stalking over to her. Bella shuddered half wondering if this was a good idea, he looked absolutely dangerous.

In quick movements he pushed her forcefully onto her back as he pinned her down with his body. His lips gently grazing her ear as he whispered "If you are going to play the jealousy card I would suggest a better story." and before she could even blink he was gone.

"what the-" she started as she sat up "Cock tease!!"

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**A/N: Nothing to say except...**

**R+R flames are welcomed ;)**


	18. You know what I am right?

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal Soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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Edward's eye twitched,

Alice merely sat there and smiled

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

Bella could have sworn Edward was more pale than usual. Nervously she looked between the two vampires both of which she considered as her family. Whatever was happening can't be good.

Without any warning Edward grabbed Bella's hand and began to drag her away "Come one Bells we are going to go to Wal-Mart."

"Wal-Mart?" she asked quizzically "I thought all of you guys hated Wal-Mart."

He the spun her around to face him, "Bella do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"You know what I am?"

Bella snorted then "Of course I do, your a mermaid."

"Wait- I'm a what?"

"Your a mermaid."

Edward just sighed as he dragged her out of the house Alice just sitting there laughing maniacally.

He should have learned by now to NEVER bet against Alice.

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**A/N: Sorry for the long wait, but my muse kind of disappeared a bit. lol. I'll probably post the next drabble either later tonight or tomorrow evening because I am trying to attempt to update The Tales of a Stripper. ;) {For those who know what it is... I know FINALLY.} **

**Anywhoo,**

**R+R Flames are welcomed.**


	19. PREGNANT!

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal Soul**

**By: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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Alice was merely sitting there with a great big smug look on her face. Happily enjoying the awkward situation.

Edward fainted.

Rosalie looked quite pleased and vicious at the same time and she was dead set on not letting Bella's arm go.

Emmett and Jasper shared identical looks that clearly said What-The-Fuck-Just-Happen?

"I told you Edward." Alice stated smugly, gleefully giggling

Bella looked at Alice like someone just told her they gave her a puppy so they could just run the damn thing over later.

"I'm PREGNANT!?!?"

Jacob walked in then a sad look on his face "Does that mean no more Yo' Mama jokes?"

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**A/N: lol! Anywhoo From the last chapter and on I'll probably be making refrences to multiple parodys on the web any who can guess where they are from gets a cookie! **

**R+R flames are welcomed ;)**


	20. hormones

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal Soul**

**By: Chibi Kyo Chan**

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"Bella..."

"I hate you."

"Bella you don't mean that..."

"OH but I do."

"Why in the hell would you hate me?"

She glared at him then a scary runaway kind of glare. One that clearly said Did-You-Just-Really-Ask-Me-That-Question-Like-It's-Not-Fucking-Obvious?

"Because..." She began slowly watching him flinch in fear "You made me ugly."

He blinked "Wha?"

"You made me Fat and Ugly."

His eyebrows shot up to his hairline "Oh you can't be serious."

"I am SO serious Edward. I'm super cereal."

"Bella. This is pregnancy hormones talking. Your not ugly your beautiful just the way you are."

"But you didn't say I wasn't fat." She cut in at once leaving him standing there with an oh shit look on his face.

"Well, Bella, Sweet heart you ARE pregnant..."

"YOU THINK I'M FAT DON'T YOU!"

Just then Alice's voice floated easily out of the kitchen "I'd Run now If I were you Eddie."

Edward taking his sister's advice at face value turned around and fled leaving a VERY angry VERY pregnant woman in his wake.

"EDWARD!!" She bellowed Waddling after him "YOU CAN'T RUN FOREVER!"

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**A/N: Lawls! I always wanted to see a pregnant Bella attack Edward. Now I can make it so! Whoo Hoo!!!**

**Anywhoo**

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;P**


	21. Jacob gets some tail

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Chicken Soup for the Immortal Soul

**By: Chibi Kyo Chan**

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Jacob whimpered as he looked up at the full moon in wolf form,even in his second skin he couldn't run away from his inner turmoil.

Bella was officially with Edward. After all he can't reverse pregnancies even if he could he wasn't cruel enough to take that from Bella.

And worst of all there won't be any more yo' momma jokes.

He howled then for the loss of the Yo' Momma jokes was too much to bare.

just then there was a rustling in the bushes causing Jacob to look in in surprise as a female wolf emerged from the underbrush.

She waggled her tail and growled playfully bidding him to follow signaling that it would ensure one hell of a good time.

With a very wolfish grin he did.

After all he loved chasing tail.

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**A/N: Lol Jacob just got some random ass. WooT. Anyway... Yes there will be no more Yo' Momma battles ... I ran out of jokes. lol I don't know anymore sorry. **

**Anywhoo R+R Flames are welcomed :P**


	22. Hot Topic

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal Soul**

**by: Chibi-Kyo-Chan**

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Alice winced as Bella's eye twitched, What in the hell was this store thinking?

"Alice?"

"Yeah Bella?"

"When did everyone find out about Vampires?"

"They didn't..."

"Then why do they...?"

"I don't know."

"But..."

"Again, I don't know."

"This is scary."

"Yeah really scary."

They both just stood there in the middle of Hot Topic staring at the large display of shmilight stuff where there was Shmella and Cedward posters galore. But that wasn't what freaked them out ...oh no it was the little vials on the display table full of glitter. That said '_Smilight Glitter. Now you can be a vampire in the sunlight too!'_

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**A/N:::EDIT:: lawls! proving my point that Hot Topic literally ruins anything as soon as they get a wiff at it's popularity. But damn it all I love their clothes way to much to stop shopping there. lol.**

**Anywhoo **

**R+R Flames are welcomed ;)**


	23. Imprint

**Chicken soup for the Immortal Soul**

**By: Chibi Kyo Chan**

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Edward was angry.

No scratch that he was downright furious.

"What the hell is the _matter _with you?"

"What I can't like younger girls?"

Edward's eyes flashed dangerously then as he glared at Jacob. His anger was reaching his limit and he swore all he could see was red.

"Not when their _My_ daughter."

"What can I say? She's hot."

"NOT WHEN SHE WAS JUST BORN YOU PEDO BEAR!!!!"

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**A/N: Lawls! that was pretty much how I felt after I read this certian part in breaking dawn. You guys know which one I'm talknig about ;P **

**Anywhoo, there is probably going to be one more drabble just to make the chapter count even then I'm gonig to quit. No offense guys but like the past ten were totally pulled out of my butt. It's time for it to be done ON a better note when it's finished I'm probably going to go through it and fix all the grammar and spelling mistakes. After all I do only post these when I'm drunk ass tired and don't think about what I'm writing till I look back at it. Wondering WTF? where did this come from?**

**AnyWhoo,**

**R+R Flames are welcomed :)**


	24. Breakin' it to Charlie

**Chicken Soup for the Immortal Soul**

**By: Chibi Kyo Chan**

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"So Edward and Bella married and have a kid?"

"Yep."

"And she's a vampire now?"

"Yep."

"And you, you're a werewolf."

"Yep."

"Jacob?"

"Yeah Charlie?"

Charlie's eyes rolled into the back of his head as he fell to the floor in a dead faint. Jacob looked a little stunned but then shrugged his shoulders.

"Eh, he'll be fine."

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**A/N: lol so Jacob filled Charlie in as to what went on with his kid. Also signaling the end of the drabbles. Yep this fic is OFFICALLY COMPLETE!**

**R+R Flames are Welcomed ;3**


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